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Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
Parenting Tip
October 18, 2012
Slow Down the Emotion
When
the emotion starts increasing in your interactions, it's time to slow down the
process. One mom said, "I feel a lot of intensity and tend to react
without thinking. It's as if my emotions have the ability to bypass my brain.
It takes work to understand what's actually going on. I'm learning to slow down
and think more about what I'm feeling. I'm making progress and I'm gaining some
insight into how I relate to my kids. They're seeing some changes in me too.
I'm becoming less afraid of emotions and more eager to understand them and make
the most of them in our family."
By stopping each time you get angry and evaluating the situation, you can use anger to point out problems and then choose another strategy for your response. Some people believe that the only way to deal with anger is to drain it by venting. In fact, common advice from some psychologists suggests that anger must somehow be released. They say that you have the right to yell, scream, kick, and throw a temper tantrum because anger is an energy sweltering deep inside you and you need a way to express it.
We don't believe that repressing emotions is good, but that doesn't mean that venting them is helpful either. When people feel the freedom to vent anger, they often end up hurting others and damaging relationships.
The Bible takes a different approach. Proverbs 29:11 says, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Control is better than venting. Control allows us to use anger as a tool rather than a weapon. When parents and children recognize the complexity of emotions and how to wisely respond to them, they will feel anger less intensely and less often.
If you're struggling with anger in yourself or your children, then every time you see the intensity rising, slow things down, take a break, and resist the temptation to turn up the heat. That's the first step toward managing conflict in a healthy way.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
By stopping each time you get angry and evaluating the situation, you can use anger to point out problems and then choose another strategy for your response. Some people believe that the only way to deal with anger is to drain it by venting. In fact, common advice from some psychologists suggests that anger must somehow be released. They say that you have the right to yell, scream, kick, and throw a temper tantrum because anger is an energy sweltering deep inside you and you need a way to express it.
We don't believe that repressing emotions is good, but that doesn't mean that venting them is helpful either. When people feel the freedom to vent anger, they often end up hurting others and damaging relationships.
The Bible takes a different approach. Proverbs 29:11 says, "A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control." Control is better than venting. Control allows us to use anger as a tool rather than a weapon. When parents and children recognize the complexity of emotions and how to wisely respond to them, they will feel anger less intensely and less often.
If you're struggling with anger in yourself or your children, then every time you see the intensity rising, slow things down, take a break, and resist the temptation to turn up the heat. That's the first step toward managing conflict in a healthy way.
This parenting tip comes from the book, Good and Angry, Exchanging Frustration for Character in You and Your Kids, by Dr Scott Turansky and Joanne Miller, RN, BSN.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Parenting Tip
courtesy of Emily Wicker,
Staff Counselor
The
Real Issues are Harder to See
“Parents who only focus on behavior change are devastated when
their children reveal unresolved issues of the heart as they grow older. The
child who is found stealing from the family, the teenager who gets pregnant, or
the young person who starts using drugs have one thing in common: a heart
problem that has developed over time.
The heart consists of thoughts, intentions, motivations, desires, and fantasies. Children play out foolishness in their hearts long before it comes out in their actions. Jesus tells us in Mark 7 of the evils that start in the heart before coming out in behavior. Many parents discipline with a two-step process. First, they see wrong behavior and second, they use a number of techniques to get their child to do what's right. Behavior is changed, but the heart isn't addressed. A better discipline process requires two more steps, making four altogether.
First, identify the wrong behavior. For example, your daughter begins to complain when you ask her to help with the dishes. Second, identify the dishonoring heart issue. Maybe it’s selfishness with her time, or a disrespect for authority. Third, identify the honoring heart issue needed. She could develop flexibility or thoughtfulness of others. Then, fourth, the right behavior grows out of the honoring heart issue. She could help with the dishes without complaining, or respectfully discuss an alternative. With these four steps, instead of two, you can address what's going on below the surface—a more complete discipline that teaches children about their hearts.
Giving a consequence isn’t the end of the parent's responsibility. Sometimes a consequence just gets the child's attention, allowing the parent then to address deeper heart-related issues. Talk about the underlying motivations and the deeper issues. Helping children change their hearts is harder, but that's where the lasting change takes place.”
The heart consists of thoughts, intentions, motivations, desires, and fantasies. Children play out foolishness in their hearts long before it comes out in their actions. Jesus tells us in Mark 7 of the evils that start in the heart before coming out in behavior. Many parents discipline with a two-step process. First, they see wrong behavior and second, they use a number of techniques to get their child to do what's right. Behavior is changed, but the heart isn't addressed. A better discipline process requires two more steps, making four altogether.
First, identify the wrong behavior. For example, your daughter begins to complain when you ask her to help with the dishes. Second, identify the dishonoring heart issue. Maybe it’s selfishness with her time, or a disrespect for authority. Third, identify the honoring heart issue needed. She could develop flexibility or thoughtfulness of others. Then, fourth, the right behavior grows out of the honoring heart issue. She could help with the dishes without complaining, or respectfully discuss an alternative. With these four steps, instead of two, you can address what's going on below the surface—a more complete discipline that teaches children about their hearts.
Giving a consequence isn’t the end of the parent's responsibility. Sometimes a consequence just gets the child's attention, allowing the parent then to address deeper heart-related issues. Talk about the underlying motivations and the deeper issues. Helping children change their hearts is harder, but that's where the lasting change takes place.”
***Taken
from Biblicalparenting.org
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