Parenting Tip: Choice Giving

 courtesy of Emily Wicker, Staff Counselor

Do you find yourself having power struggles with your children, even over the smallest things?  Maybe these take place in the morning before school or at night before bed.  Regardless of when they occur, allowing children to make their own choices can reduce these struggles tremendously.

“Providing children with age-appropriate choices empowers children by allowing them a measure of control over their circumstances.  Children who feel more empowered and “in control” are more capable of regulating their own behavior, a prerequisite for self-control.  Choices require that children tap into their inner resources, rather than relying on parents (external resource) to stop their behavior or solve the problem for them.  If parents always intervene, children learn that “Mom or Dad will figure out a solution if I get in a jam”” (Bratton, Landreth, 2006, p.274-275).

By allowing children to make choices, they are given the opportunity to develop problem solving and decision making skills.  Children will learn that choices they make come with certain consequences.  This allows children to learn to take responsibility for their decisions and actions.

So you might be wondering…how do I give age-appropriate choices to my kids about everything?  Here are a few examples.  Let’s say you have a power struggle with getting Matt dressed for school in the morning.  A choice you could give would be,” Matt, would you like to wear the yellow shirt or blue shirt today?”  Let’s say you have a power struggle with Sarah because she doesn’t want to brush her teeth before bed.  A choice you could give would be,” Sarah, would you like to brush your teeth before I read you a bedtime story or after?”

You can also use choices to give consequences to children.  For example, “Sally, if you choose to not clean up your room, you choose to not eat dessert after dinner.” Or, “Mark, if you choose to hit your sister, you choose to sit in time-out for 10 minutes.”  By doing this, children are able to connect their choices to their consequences, again promoting decision making and responsibility.

*This parenting tip was taken from Child Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) A 10 Session Filial Therapy Model by Garry L. Landreth and Sue C. Bratton (2006).